The uber geeks

Movie Review: 10,000 B.C.

I was trying to come up with a nice way of writing this review. I wasn’t exactly expecting something amazing when I walked into the theatre, but I didn’t expect to chuckle and roll my eyes the whole way through either. I went with two friends, and at every crucial moment in the story, we couldn’t help but laugh. It was like watching an adventure oriented soap opera; complete with corny lines and intense stares. The only excuse I could give to anyone to see this, is to watch the previews, which included Speed Racer, The Dark Knight, Get Smart, and The Happening, (M. Night’s new one). Instead of an actual review, I’m going to give you five other things you could do, that would be a better use of your time than watching this movie.

1. Donate bone marrow.
Not only would you be in better health for not going to see this movie, but you’d help someone in need of marrow and make some money at the same time. The excruciating pain of having a thick needle plunged into your bones is nothing compared to the pain in your lower back and neck after sitting through the 109 minutes of this melodramatic cheese. I love a good hero movies. You know, the kind where a young hero/heroine has greatness thrust upon him/her and must fulfill a destiny and overcome all the odds to beat evil. This wasn’t it. Nearly the entire plot was delivered over voiceover in the first ten minutes of the movie. Awesome, at least there will be some twists! Try again. Well what about some great fighting scenes? Walker, Texas Ranger had more believable brawls than this.

2. Drink 2 gallons of milk in a single sitting.
At least the dairy farmers are going to use your money to provide more milk. The filmmakers are going to take your money, and throw it at some other million dollar epic that will make thousands of movie goers lose hope in Hollywood. You will throw up before you finish the first gallon, kind of how I felt after the first half of the movie. The second gallon is just there to remind you why this was a dumb idea, exactly like the even more disappointing second half of 10,000 B.C. The ending was like a breath mint commercial (you have to see it to believe it).

3. Become an attack dog chew toy: as in, the guy who rolls himself in pillows and takes the bites while they train police dogs.
Not only are keeping your neighborhood clean, but your girlfriend/boyfriend/mom will be impressed by all the scars you now have even though you lead a pretty discreet lifestyle. I saw a saber-toothed tiger in the previews, but what I got was a big kitten that stared the camera down and was used as a lame plot device to progress the even lamer story. If you advertise a saber-toothed tiger, use it. Thanks, Roland. Thanks.

4. Host amateur acting workshops in your own home.
After you’re done, your tolerance for terrible acting will be astounding and will you be doing a favor to all those young actors out there. Also, you will be better equipped to handle another movie with horrendous acting. The actors in 10,000 B.C. come off as a group of high school theatre troupe. They are so one-dimensional you don’t even care what happens to them. I left the theatre unable to remember any of their names or why they were even in the movie to begin with. I haven’t cared so little about someone since Paris Hilton.

5. Join the Polar Bear Club.
Jump into below-freezing waters for fun. Have your lungs shrink to the size of peanuts as you gasp for air in the icy waters of some freezing river/lake. Risk life and limb for a completely numbing experience you’ll wish you’d never done the moment your skin hits the water. By doing so, you’ll prove to yourself just how awesome life really is. And at the end, you can just dry yourself off and get back to your normal life. Unfortunately, after seeing this movie, I won’t be able to forget what I’ve seen.

What sounded like an epic tale of love, adventure, and action, turned into a boring, cliched, excuse to show mammoths and giant bird-dinosaurs. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good popcorn flick. I’ll never argue that The Transformers is a deep, thought provoking flick, but at least it managed to look good, be funny, and deliver action sequences that were so over the top you just watched with your mouth hanging open. 10,000 B.C. falls completely short of that mark. But I guess you could always do worse. You could’ve gone to see Meet the Spartans or Epic Movie when they were in theaters.

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